I’ve hated Pesach for as long as I can remember.
Part of my dislike of Pesach was around Hebrew and what it brought up for me anxiety-wise to be waiting for my turn during the seder to stumble through words and pronunciation and try to read smoothly and at a regular speed.
Part of the issue was around being the youngest and refusing to sing Ma Nishtana by myself and the comments/conversation around that, and the anxiety and dread around that coming up in the haggadah so early on.
Part of the issue was around food - I think I was just so hangry (the anger/irritability when you’re hungry), or I was dreading the upcoming hanger. Now that I’m not strictly kosher year round, I’m not strictly kosher for Pesach. So, even as my family is Ashkenazi and we’re outside of Israel, I’m eating kitniyot. (And because I’m vegetarian/vegan and my shul said it was okay for me/us to eat legumes.)
I didn’t want the seder to be a place where I’m practicing reading Hebrew. It’s not the place. I read in English now when it’s my turn. And that change was fraught too, emotionally. (“Can I be the only one doing this? What do I need to prove by continuing to read the Hebrew? What does it ~mean~ if I switch to English?”) I’ve been practicing Hebrew in other places and working through my feelings around it in therapy.
This year, I was surprised at how much I was into reading the haggadah text. I read it like I do for Sefaria’s texts, I read in English and say names in Hebrew. I edited the text a little to say things like how I would say it. (My family uses The Family Haggadah from ArtScroll Mesorah Series.) I say/said Hashem instead of God, and Hashem’s instead of (any) gendered pronouns, Royalty instead of King, and ancestors instead of fathers.
Another pleasantry this year was not forcing grape juice down (I don’t drink wine. Even worse than grape juice lol). This year I asked for and used apple juice (which I’ve learned is my comfort drink).
With those changes, I found myself really enjoying the Seder. On night #1, I found myself thinking that I didn’t want it to end at Shulchan Aruch! What lol. And then I really enjoyed Hallel and Nirtzah, surprisingly. I could even have gone longer. It was like a text study with a food break. It was so pleasantly surprising to have had an enjoyable time at a Seder. I don’t think I stress sweated at all (?!!?). Nor had to self soothe (??!!). What an experience! Is this what it’s like annually for other people??
And I found the afikoman (!!), which I was a bit nervous about - I don’t think I’ve looked for it without my sister(s) and I was anxious “what if I couldn’t find it? How embarrassing”. Anyway, I did find it and I was surprised that I found it and it made me really happy :P :D. I did a first pass of the usual prior spots and then confirmed with the hider that it wasn’t in one spot and asked if it was in the cupboards so I didn’t need to open each one in the kitchen (it wasn’t), and then the first place I looked - there it was! How pleasant! LOL What is this enjoyable experience I’ve discovered at 31 years old?
--
For my seder #2 that I did by myself after class, I was going to follow through with Nava Tehila’s playlist like I did a prior year but didn’t. I wanted to hear my own voice. Surprisingly. I went through each page of my borrowed haggadah and sang the melodies I wanted to sing. (Hallel and Nirtzah, pretty much. I didn’t prepare/want any food.)
While singing in my ~15-minute ‘seder’, it was so interesting to take up space, to listen to my voice. To intentionally stay with the melody, to slow down. To hear myself without other music or voices in the space. To not rush through or skip, but to take up space and time with my voice.
I’ve been working on letting my (singing) voice be heard by others for awhile now (since November, in Aviva Chernick’s Bree-AH program, during Chanukah to sing the brachot instead of reading them out loud, at monthly Shabbat At the Floor services, and the Bree-AH program in March). It’s been a practice for me to hear my own voice. When I’m singing/belting along to music I turn the music on louder (to drown myself out?). It was interesting to hear my voice, adding my voice to the crowd on the first night, together with my parents’, and then also hear myself and be heard on my own.
My voice sounds really sweet. I don’t sound horrible. I can hit some notes. And, reading back what I wrote in my Student Diaries Series #2 earlier, I noted that my writing voice was really sweet. And I felt like there was some aftertaste of sweet having a negative connotation. Something for me to ponder more…
--
I read this piece on my (long) bus ride to my parents —
— I could not imagine loving Pesach. How can it be anyone’s favourite holiday? While I can’t/won’t say it’s my favourite now, I can now understand from lived experience how it can be a positive experience, a holiday to look forward to. (And looking forward to more than shmorah matzah, chocolate macaroons, and sponge cake.) It resonates now.
--
Oh my gosh, I didn’t yet share the massive excitement over starting the omer and saying the bracha for the first time (ever?). I’m not totally sure about the giddy glee that’s been arising for me around this ritual - where it’s coming from, why, or whether it’ll last for all nights. I’m marking the omer with not only Limmud’s 49 steps emails again, but also Institute for Jewish Spirituality’s Instagram lives and the actual counting. Got my Chabad Omer Counter app, alarm reminder and everything set up so I can say the bracha daily (nightly). It’s something I’ve been looking forward to so far.
--
I want to end with this phrase in Hallel that really caught my eye: “return to your rest, my soul”. There’s different types of rest (active, passive; creative, spiritual, social, sleep, etc.). I want to take this with me through the omer and beyond. To not hold myself back from taking my rests. To not silence myself, keep my voice (written or singing) to myself, nor self sabotage. But instead, to return to my soul’s rest, return to what fills me up, recharges me, replenishes my soul. Mm!
Speaking of, I’d like to share my 2023 Pesach Playlist with you - enjoy! Chag sameach :)
My first enjoyable Seders and freedom
I love this! So happy you’re finding rest and joy in Pesach this year. Thanks for the shoutout and I am looking forward to listening to your playlist! Chag Sameach!